As much as I wanted to refrain from lashing out, I fell short of my goals. Even as I did it, I KNEW it would come back to bite me in the ass. Yet, my anger didn't care about consequences...not the backlash that would surely follow, not the instant regret and most definitely not the confrontation that followed. I wanted her to hurt and the surest way of causing her pain was to do the unthinkable. That's exactly what I did.
My former friend, one whom I trusted implicitly and loved dearly, who later proved to be less than honest and far from loyal; she has many enemies but one in particular who vexes her tremendously. My wounded pride and battered soul wanted revenge, it wanted to make her bleed the way I bled. Her arch-nemesis posted something nasty and snarky about her to her favorite celebrities. I saw the post and I KNEW it was about her; I did the most heinous thing I could think of. I reposted the comment which was RESENT to the celebrity. As soon as I hit post I instantaneously felt regret...but my pain was still raw and still fresh.
Days passed and I thought, with some small hope, that my transgression had been overlooked or perhaps missed. All hopes were dashed when I opened my email to find a missive from said ex-friend. I knew without opening the email exactly what it was about. I left it unopened for a few days, rationalizing that if I didn't open it I wouldn't have to face the music. She wouldn't pursue it. Yet everytime I opened my inbox there it was, haunting me. I finally opened it and read it. As expected, it was questioning my actions. How I could do something so horrible, how she never expected it from me. My guilt turned to anger. Who was she to question me? We weren't friends anymore, I owed her nothing. Inspite of what she thought, we did NOT part on good terms. I irrationally justified my actions to myself, yet deep in my heart I knew it was bullshit. I removed the offending missive and forgot about it.
Weeks later, while waiting to IM my good friend a window popped up. It was HER. The confrontation had finally come. She demanded to know why I treated her so shabbily. I tried to think of a plausible lie to avoid the whole drama. Everything in me said lie...but I spoke honestly. I told her it had been deliberately designed to hurt her. She immediately closed the window on me. I knew she hadn't logged off, she'd probably went to vent about me to her NEW best friend. I asked her if that was it? Was that how she was gonna leave it? She came back and we battled it out. My pain, her issues with trust, my issues with trust. It was ugly and rough but when it was all said and done, I knew I could move on. I'd had my closure. I could forgive her for the wrongs I felt she did me, she forgave me. I apologized for going to the worst place she could think of. I promised her it wouldn't happen again. It hasn't. I don't even feel the desire to hurt her anymore. It is well and truly over. I can move on and leave that chapter in my life behind. For that I am thankful.
Funny thing is...in the midst of the battle, once it was all out and the apologies had been offered and accepted, forgiveness granted...the tone of the conversation changed. We were back to sharing and talking like we used to in the beginning, when our friendship was strong and I believed nothing could break that bond. Halfway through I asked her...what are we doing? What does this mean? We aren't friends anymore but we're talking like we used to. It was too comfortable and that worried me. I had forgiven her but I couldn't trust her like I used to. I think that familiarity was too much. I still feel some tiny bit of loyalty to her. Even though our friendship was uneven and probably not true...I loved her and I gave my friendship fully and wholeheartedly. Even now, it would be so easy to fall into it again, but without trust it would fall apart again. I've had too many heartbreaks this year. I can't take much more. I won't put myself in that position again. I can be civil...but I can't offer friendship anymore. It's very sad but so very true.
