These conflicting emotions are still present...and they trouble me. I want to forget all of it...our 3 year friendship, our rift....her existence. I think by eradicating her from my memory is the only way to be at peace. It's just that this goes against everything in my nature. I don't ever forget....I don't run from conflict. I'm not THAT coward who retreats and hides when they're wounded. Yet for my peace of mind and to maintain my integrity....i must...
Knowing this concert was gonna be in her town....i so desperately wished for her to be excluded from attending....i didn't want her to have another notch in her belt. And to find that she attended with my "replacement".... that was just another slap in the face. I shouldn't care, and mostly i don't....but it wounds my pride. MY PRIDE. Is it any wonder PRIDE is the deadliest sin? The easiest to commit and the hardest to avoid. I assisted my good friend in obtaining the audio of the concert to be distributed amongst the fans...and all the while it went through my mind....don't send it to HER. LEAVE her off the mailing list. I actually thought about lying to my friend and telling her i wasn't able to rip the show....but i love and respect her too much to lie to her. Besides there were other fans i call friends that weren't able to listen online. To deny them would be unjust and cruel. Even as i emailed the file to her....my heart and soul were crying out to deny HER....deny Her the sweat of my labor. I had to wash my hands of it to keep the bitterness from invading.
It infuriates me that her betrayal and callousness still affect me. I honestly don't know that i'd want her for a friend again.....she proved herself to be a false one....but I refuse to give her power over me any longer. I will be free of her once and for all. Let her false nature be her downfall...i'll have nothing more to do with it or her. I believe in Karma....and it seems....now that i no longer defend her she's gone into hiding. Blocking her twitter and refraining from adding friends she does not know personally. The attacks i fear will only increase in frequency and severity...i can see it already. I hope she develops that thick skin and fire i always encouraged for her....my influence has given her more strength than she possessed before. May it serve her well.
I hope you had a good time at the concert last night, and i hope the ones coming up are equally as great. .....
maybe one day i will mean it whole heartedly.....for now......its a sentiment i wish i felt.....and THAT will have to suffice.
