Happy Fucking Mother's Day...

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

What is it about May?? Is it a cursed month for me or what? Today is Mother's day. I should be celebrating with my mom instead i'm sitting here alone writing this blog.

I just received a call from my mother saying that my grandmother has just passed. Strangely enough, I'm numb. I'm not sad, or broken hearted at all. I'm angry. Why does this keep happening to my family? Haven't we suffered enough tragedy to last several lifetimes? In a way this is an anticlimactic end to four years of waiting. Its been one close call after another and its almost a relief to have it end. I feel like such a shit thinking this but its true. I didn't go to the hospital. I refuse to go and wait for another member of my family to die. I've done it too many times and I absolutely will not do it EVER again. I feel so numb...what is wrong with me? I should be torn up with grief and I'm not. What kind of cold-hearted bitch have I become? Is it shock? Will it hit me unexpectedly in a day or two? I can't feel my heart beating...is it because its dead? There is no ache, no piercing pain....THAT I'm familiar with. Its what I felt when my granddad died twenty-two years ago. Its what I still feel when I think of him, even after all these years. I felt it when my uncles and aunts died, when my cousins died, when my friends and surrogate parents died....and yet....I feel nothing for my grandmother. I felt nothing for my brother's unborn child. I'm completely and totally devoid of feeling.

My grandmother wasn't the cookie-baking, rosy cheeked grandma of Norman Rockwell paintings. She was a snake-killing, ass-kicking, curse-spitting ornery old lady. She boxed our ears, took green limb switches to us behind the house, and smacked us across the head when we acted up. She didn't shower us with hugs and kisses, we hugged and kissed her hello and goodbye and that was it. We were made to hang out the laundry when we were around, work the snow cone stand, mow the lawn and clean the yard. We knew she loved us but she was a woman who grew up in a time when children worked the land and field alongside the adults. We weren't coddled or sheltered. We were given a childhood where we knew who we could trust and depend upon...our family. If we had NOTHING else but our family we knew we were rich beyond measure. My childhood wasn't all gumdrops and lollipops, but it was rich in character.

I don't know. I guess in a way, my grandma died ages ago when her spirit died. The woman who passed today was only a pale shadow of the woman who was. I said my goodbyes and made my peace with her passing a long time ago. Now its time to bury the shell that was left behind. MY grandma died....a small piece of her buried with each of the children she buried. Three infants that passed before their first year, 2 daughters and 2 sons taken in their prime. I feel she probably couldn't handle another child dying before her and with my aunt so close herself....my grandma may have let go of life before death could take from her another beloved daughter. I guess that's a curse of large families. You have lots of love and happiness but you also bear lots of sorrow and death. Its the natural order of things I suppose, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

I've known too much death in my lifetime. I'm tired of losing my loved ones. Maybe its a blessing to be numb. I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I should just learn to accept the little blessings.

Maria de Jesus Recio y Rodriguez

September 15, 1927 - May 9, 2010

I love you Grandma Sue and will miss you always.

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. ~Albert Einstein

The END....

Today is the last day of the digital cleanse. I survived!!! I am back on twitter and facebook and life is GOOD!!! I proved to myself that I CAN do without both...but I so don't want to!

This experiment proved to me that I really am an ANTI SOCIAL person. I was perfectly content to occupy my time with singular endeavors that left me in my solitude. In spite of not having that social contact with my friends via the internet I still was not interested or motivated to seek social interaction with people face to face. I'm just not that into people. I've always joked that the only person I care to commune with is myself...but it IS infact true. I've also proved to myself that I am an insomniac. Even without twitter to keep me online 'til all hours of the morning I could not fall asleep before 4 am.

I realize I need to force myself to seek personal connections outside of the internet. I have friends and family but I'm just not into seeking them out. The ONE friend I do care to spend time with has a busy life and demanding job as well as health issues that prevent her from going out. Maybe I NEED to seek her out on her terms. I'm a horrible friend I guess. I need to work on that this coming year. She and I do however have a date later this month to see Dallas Green in Austin. I need to make sure she's still up to it. I already bought the tickets but if she's not up to it I'll need to make other arrangements. Or maybe sell them. I hope she still wants to go. I think she'd enjoy it. She needs to get out and have some fun once in a while too.

The biggest thing I realized during this cleanse is that I get ALL my news from twitter. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But I was so out of the loop this week. I'm not big on television...mostly because the programming on ALL channels is pretty much shite! I'm usually scanning the news tweets for important stories and info both locally and world wide. This week however I didn't even think to look at the websites. I'm so used to the quick headlines in the form of tweets. I think I need a more rounded approach to my new intake.

This was indeed an educational experiment. I appreciate what I learned about myself. I now see that my will is stronger than I first assumed, but I also observed that my social skills are weak. Things I will most definitely need to work on this year.

Thank you John Mayer for suggesting this adventure....but if you ever try this again...You're on your own buddy. I'm embracing my addictions and my weaknesses!! :o) I missed my friends and my twitter!!! ;o)

And yes!!! I managed to keep my fish alive through clever manipulations of my nephew and niece...they liked the application when I showed them before the new year...so getting them to log onto my facebook to feed my fish was an easy sell. And I also had a friend feeding them so they were well maintained. Now I'm back to my twitter and fishville addictions.

Look out Twitter...The BITCH is BACK!! and I'm not talking about Elton John!! ;o)

Day 6...

Almost home. There was a moment yesterday when I almost caved...I wanted so badly to throw in the towel but I realized...I'm almost home. Three more days and I can go back to whoring it out on Twitter again. I'm more than halfway through...thus my crisis was averted.

This has been a strange experiment. I know the premise was that being off the "grid" so to speak would make us more personally social but I guess its just not my nature to be a social butterfly. I've always been a loner. I've always had friends and TONS of acquaintances...but...I've never been a social person. I knew about all the parties in high school. I could have gone to keggers every weekend had I wanted. I just prefer to be alone. This experiment has proven that beyond a doubt. I'm as "social" as I've ever been. Frankly...I'm MORE social online than I've EVER been in person. I'm a homebody by nature. I like the comfort of MY things, MY space. I'm uncomfortable when I'm not in control. Yes, I go out, I'm most definitely not a shut in. I go to the theaters and recently I've started going to concerts(a totally new experience for me which I may blog about later). I go out with friends to dinner. I've even been known to go shopping...which, if you knew me, is HUGE!!

I tried watching television, something I don't do a lot. I'm afraid that there isn't a lot of programming I'd CHOOSE to watch. I'm sorry but all that reality tv crap is so contrived and obviously scripted its ridiculous. And all these "teen" dramas are pointless. I do however like LIE TO ME, HOUSE and the crime dramas. I've always been a crime drama girl. But frankly, television has become a wealth of shite programming. Is it any wonder the youth of America are brain dead? Seriously, even children's programming has become violent, trite and overly sexual. I'm sorry, tv isn't even fit for the birds.

I guess another option I could try would be to read, but I'm bad about reading. If I read a book, I will not put it down til I'm finished. Case in point, I recently read THE BLIND SIDE, the book which the movie was partly based. It was so good, and even though I had already seen the movie I could not put it down until I'd read the last word on the last page. I read for 10hrs straight, taking neither food nor drink 'til I'd finished. Reading might be a dangerous distraction. Especially since I was hoping that abstaining from online shenanigans would afford me a chance to sleep. I thought that maybe, just maybe my zeal for wreaking havoc online with my slew of friends worldwide was the most deciding factor in my insomnia. NOT so. :o( even when i tried to sleep early; I couldn't fall asleep 'til 5 or 6 am.

For the last 3 days, or has it been 4, I've been amusing myself with the PSP. I downloaded a demo version of Rockband for PSP. OMG it so rocks. I taught my niece how to play. The little turd rocked out a 100,000 point score in warmup mode On AFI's Miss Murder on the guitar track. FIRST TIME OUT!!!! She's 7 yrs old. I also taught my nephew how to play Crash Tag Team Racing on PSP. He actually finished a race. He came in dead last but he finished it. He's only 2yrs old. Yes, I am a rocking aunt. I'm corrupting my niece and nephew with PSP!!! good thing I have 2 PSPs, 1 DS and 1 Gameboy Advance. What I really need is a PS3 or a Wii so we can play together. I will totally PWN them....at least until they understand what they're doing. Then I'll retire. ;o) I'm not about to get pwnd by my 9 yr old nephew and 7 yr old niece.

Anyway...2 more days and I'm home free. 2 more days... this SHOULD be a piece of cake. oooh cake....I want some cake. I should still have some spice cake and some whipped cream...mmmmm. Gotta go!! bye!

End of Day 4....

..and this digital cleanse thing is about to break me....literally. No social networking means lots of free time late at night....which of course means WINDOWS shopping. John Mayer is detrimental to my wallet. Seriously....wandering about the web hitting my favorite online stores....I'm looking at a serious dent to my tour fund. I must resist spending... I Must Resist spending...I MUST RESIST spending; I think my Must NOT Break mantra will be replaced with this.

I'm finding other things to occupy my time, however i don't see myself socializing much more than I normally do. I'm not a very social person. I guess this experiment was not really aimed at me. I haven't replaced my regular relationships with online ones...I never really had them. I'm the kind of person who prefers her own company. I'm totally personable; I make friends easily, but I'm just content to be alone. I'm that wierd dichotomy of complete loner and "life of the party".

Maybe I'll start the great American novel...HA!! Yeah, right, that's too big of a committment from me. I'm still struggling with a week long committment to stay off the social network sites. My attention span is way to short for a novel. I can barely get through a short story. I'm rambling but I'm only blogging for something to do, other than shopping. Its only halfway working. I think I should go see a movie. Maybe get a couple video games. I downloaded the Rockband for PSP demo and its so fun. I'm definitely buying the full version. I never understood the allure of the game...but now I TOTALLY DO!!! I think I may have a new addiction. :o) And if you knew anything about me....you'd know I have LOTS of addictions. :o) But not bad ones....well not the worst ones.

Anyway, I really don't have anything to say...and I feel like this is even more random than even I'm used to. I bid you farewell and god Friday can't get here soon enough. Thing is...if I do last til Friday I probably won't even care to tweet or facebook. Its mostly the idea that I'm not allowed that makes it so irresistable. Once I'm allowed to do it again, I won't feel that overwhelming urge to do so. Ahhh... such is life.

:o)

Digital Cleanse...

Okay, so I admit it, I'm not a great blogger. I'm, quite honestly, a lousy one, I don't post consistently at all. In fact I often forget that I even have a blog..or three or four. :o) Yeah, I know, I totally suck at this.

In saying this, I find that now, that I am banned from Twitter, Facebook, Myspace and any other social network from which I might obtain my "fix" I am remembering that I do indeed have blogs. Hmmm, now the problem becomes....what do I blog about. I don't have anything important to say. Nothing of interest to anyone but myself....and maybe a few others. I'm no one special...okay that's not entirely true...I'm freaking AWESOME if you get to know me. Okay, enough of that, my conceit does have its bounds. Why am I banned from social networks you ask? Well because I am a fool and decided to do John Mayer's digital cleanse. (jhnmyr.tumblr.com for details)

I'm a huge twitter whore...I admit it. I'm also a GINORMOUS music fan. I follow my favorite artists on twitter and John Mayer happens to be one of them. He's amazingly funny and irreverant--two things I absolutely love about him. If you don't follow him...go do it now. You WON'T regret it, I promise. Anyway, a week or so before New Year's John put out the idea of a digital cleanse. You know this is true, He had observed in his own life how much of his time was devoted to relationships/connections via the web. Our society has replaced actual connections to real human beings with virtual relationships with what we hope are real humans via the internet through social networks such as TWITTER, Facebook and Myspace, to name the most prevalent. We've become complacent in our humanness by allowing ourselves to live through these electronic proxies. In order to force himself OUT of this complacency, John Mayer put forth this idea of doing a "digital cleansing" by abstaining from all forms of social networking. Its so much a part of our mainstream and our lifestyles that its actually seemed a daunting task. The idea is to not visit, post, or even READ sites such as twitter, facebook, myspace, tabloid sites....and even NOT texting. If we MUST connect with someone we should do it face to face or at least person to person. If we MUST email, then it should be done from an actual computer/laptop. Our phones should only be used as they were intended, to SPEAK to our friends, families, and associates.

The idea of course was ridiculously simple yet scary. I know I'm a slave to technology and I knew that I would inevitably be faced with the choice to give in and embrace my social retardedness or fight my own compulsion and complete the cleanse. I know I'm weak but I also didn't realize the scope of my addiction to the web. Its day 2 of the Cleanse...and I find that I'm at a loss as to what to do. My first thought as I wake in the morning is "What did I miss on Twitter?" Facebook isn't as much of an addiction as I thought it would be. Frankly I could absolutely do without it if not for my virtual fish in the Fishville app. I admit...I really LOVE my fish tank and I'm competitive as hell. I want to stay ahead of my friends who also use that app. But other than that, I could very easily give it up for a week...longer if necessary. As for myspace, I've all but given it up already. I only visit it maybe once a month if that often. Twitter has become like my crack. I wake up thinking twitter, I got to sleep thinking of it. It really is my crack. I hadn't realized it til this experiment. At first, I didn't want to do it, but I convinced myself that it would be a fun thing to try and I could just give in when it came to be too hard. Then I found out that my friends were placing bets on how long it would take for me to give up. My competitive nature of course screamed for me to prove to them I could last til the end. So here it is day 2, and I desperately want to tweet...but I refuse to give in so soon.

THUS, this blog is my distraction to keep me from throwing in the towel. So, when I'm feeling that uncontrollable urge to tweet or go to Facebook.....I will blog about the struggle. Hopefully this will work and keep me strong til the 8th of January when I will become a tweeting fool again.

or...maybe it will cure me of my obsession. Either way, expect to see more from me in the coming week. ;o) It may not make sense...but it will be interesting...and most definitely RANDOM. ;o)

He Stood Watch...Now It's Our Turn

Today I buried a boy who I knew when he was a kindergartner and i was 19. It was my first job, right out of high school and to pay for college. Cody Stanley and Cade Stanley were two boys, grandson's of my mother's friend and co-worker Anne. Cody was in Kindergarten while Cade was enrolled in the daycare where I worked. Right away I was drawn to Cade. He was quiet, gentle and sweet. A very shy child, the fact that I knew his grandmother and his uncles drew him to me. That spring we became fast friends and he won a special place in my heart. Cody enrolled in the daycare that summer. Cody too was a very sweet and gentle child but where Cade was painfully shy, Cody had a more adventurous spirit. He was shy with people he didn't know but it didn't take long for him to show his true personality. I had them for that year before I left the daycare to work in the elementary school library. There I found my sweet, beautiful boy Cody. He was in 1st grade and his teacher's classroom was down the hall from the library and my office. He was so happy to find a familiar and friendly face in an unfamiliar place. Right away, he settled into the routine of school. Being a country boy, he arrived to school early on the bus and would spend the mornings in the library where we'd talk, tell jokes, look at books and do puzzles. My beautiful boy always had a smile on his face and a sparkle in his beautiful blue eyes. He never left without a quick hug for me. He was my baby. Two years later Cade entered 1st grade and again, his frightened eyes brightened at a familiar face in the unfamiliar place he found himself. Shortly thereafter I left the school and my baby boys moved to Smithville. But I carried them in my heart always.

I saw my boys once more before today...the day we buried their beloved PoPo. Cody was about 10 or 11 and cade was 8 or 9. Seeing their little faces so full of sorrow and their eyes haunted by sadness is an image I will carry all my life. My heart broke that day and as much as I wanted to take them in my arms and just hold them and take all their pain into myself, I couldn't.

Today I saw my beautiful boy, but only in pictures. My beautiful, sweet, gentle boy was killed Wednesday, October 28, 2009, while fighting for our country in Afghanistan. While providing ground support with his battalion, he was killed when an IED (improvised explosive device) detonated near him. USMC Lance Corporal Cody R Stanley died in service to his country, his state, his community, and his family. It was his second tour in a hostile country where he was not wanted. Today, a mother buried her first born child, her 21 yr old baby. A young man who hadn't yet had a chance to love, have children of his own. A young man who lived his life with a grace, compassion and gentility you don't see often anymore, much less in one so young. A life lost is a tragic event, a life lost for no good apparent reason in a war that shouldn't be is a travesty.

I love my country, I am grateful and love all our troops who sacrifice daily for our freedom, but I do NOT support this war. It is a sad day in our country when we send our young men and women to fight a war that has no purpose. Its time to bring our troops home. Bring our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, brothers and sisters home. Do NOT send one more child to die on foreign soil.

To the Patriot Guard, Thank you. Thank you for honoring our fallen son, our beloved Cody. Your time and effort to honor his memory and sacrifice was truly appreciated by all who knew and loved Cody.

To the town of Smithville, Texas, THANK YOU for welcoming him home and honoring his life with your show of respect and gratitude along the procession route. Thank you to all the servicemen, USMC, Navy, Army, Fireman, Sheriffs, Constables, National Guardsmen who attended and helped to make the journey run smoothly. God Bless all who stopped and shed a tear or raised a hand in salute. Cody surely was smiling down upon it all.

To the family, my sincerest sympathies and condolences on your loss. The world is a lesser place for having lost a bright and shining spirit. Cody's sacrifice will NOT be forgotten....EVER.

I love you my beautiful boy. You will live in my memory and my heart forever. Safe travels my dearest Cody.

Softlips Giveaway!!

The Art of Random Willy-Nillyness is giving away Softlips lip moisturizer!!

got to http://www.theartofrandomwillynillynes.blogspot.com to find this and many OTHER giveaways.

Softlips lip moisturizers are some of my favorite lip balms on the market. I've grown up with chapstick and carmax(which I hate), but when softlips came on the market..it blew all other lip balms away!! I personally stick to Strawberry and Strawberry-Kiwi flavors but they have so many others I may have to venture away from the familiar. They now have certified organic balms that I'm dying to try, as well as seasonal flavors such as peppermint(one of my FAVORITE flavors of all time).

So if you, like me, have a tendency toward chapped lips...especially now that winter is approaching.... you definitely need to invest in the slim, easy to transport, long lasting Softlips Lip Moisturizers. ;o)